Much like last week, over the weekend a package from Ludology Now!’s creator Christopher J. Teuton appeared at the Bonus Action office. Thankfully, this time it was not wrapped around a brick and thrown through our EiC’s window.
Unfortunately, said package was a small paper bag our receptionist discovered on the front porch early this morning. It appears to have been set on fire at some point, with burnt paper reaching nearly two-thirds of the way to the bag’s base. Inside the burnt bag was, upon examination, dog feces. Underneath that, sealed inside a Ziploc bag, was the following message:
PUBG is the world’s best single-player multiplayer game
I’ve put over 400 hours into PUBG over the years. Most of those hours were earned between 2017 and 2018, but I still pop back in every few months or so to see how things are progressing. My latest gap was the longest – before a few weeks ago, I hadn’t played PUBG since 2023.
A lot had changed since the last time I set foot (bare, of course, to reduce the sound of my steps) in PlayerUnknown’s Battleground, a name that it isn’t called anymore. The whole menu had been redesigned. Bullets seem weaker. You can draw lines on the map now.
Even so, the basic concept and gameplay of PUBG remains fully intact. 100 players drop in. All but 1 player dies. If you’re playing in Solo mode, that is – which you should be.
At least 200 of my 400+ hours were spent playing PUBG in either 2-player or 4-player Teams. That was fun, don’t get me wrong. One of my best friends and I are still doing this, and we’ve played 2-player Teams dozens of times in the past few weeks alone. I love playing PUBG with my friends, and I’ve enjoyed playing it with strangers.
However, to be very clear, the best way to play PUBG is to play it alone. I have proof.
Your own mileage may vary, of course, but the vibes PUBG gives off don’t scream “fun party game” to me. They never have. This is a big, oppressive, dangerous world. You are supposed to feel scared. You are supposed to feel outnumbered in PUBG.
I play PUBG solo. I try to drop as far away as possible from everyone else, although I don’t shy away from groups of buildings with less than five parachutes heading toward them. Those people will all sort each other out. I have a set plan, and I’m going to follow it.
Here’s my 100% guaranteed* Steps for Success in PUBG Solo:
Step 1: Run away from all enemies as soon as you land, moving towards a building of at least two stories if possible. Step 2: Acquire an automatic weapon. It doesn’t matter which, but not the UMP, MP5K, or Micro UZI. You’re looking for real rifles, not toys. Step 3: Ensure your building is empty. Go room by room. Be careful. This is where you have your highest chance of dying. Step 4a: If you are outside the circle, carefully move to a location 3/4 of the way towards the center of the new circle, then repeat Steps 1-4. Step 4b: If you are inside the circle, move to an enclosed room inside your cleared house. Ideally this will be a bathroom with no windows. Position yourself oddly, so that someone may not immediately notice you if they enter the room. Point your gun at the door. Step 5: Wait until either the door opens or the circle moves in such a way that you must move to be inside it. If it’s the former, shoot. If it’s the latter, go back to Step 4a. Step 6: Repeat until no longer possible, then eliminate the remaining one or two players. *Not guaranteed.
Shrewd readers may rightfully say that my method is just “camping” and, yeah. It is. It’s camping. But does that surprise you? If you’re trekking through the woods for hours on end, who do you really expect to come across other than campers?
I roast marshmallows in PUBG. I put up tents in PUBG. I go out amongst the trees and cut a branch, then tie a line to it, then tie a small hook to that, and I go fishing. I go proper camping in PUBG.
It’s great. I have favorite campsites in all my favorite maps. I’m not going to tell you exactly where (and I had to abandon one because everyone seems to LOVE Gatka now for some reason) but the bottom coast of the mainland in Erangel has some fantastic camping locations. There’s also a lovely sniper’s nest in Miramar that I’ve spent literally dozens of hours in. Those are the only two maps I know the name of off the top of my head.
If you only play PUBG in four or two-player teams, I encourage you to try it solo. Try it slow. Really take your time with it. Play in first-person. It’s a fantastic experience. You’ll notice so many more small details.
When I play 2-player teams with my friend, they have a name for it. They call it “Hey, there’s that door.” They’re out there exploring, looting, shooting, and, eventually, dying. Then their spectator camera comes to me.
I’m lying on the floor of the bathroom, bare-footed and gun drawn. The barrel is lined up directly between the doorknob and where a peekhole would be, if the door had one. I’m lying so perfectly still you might honestly believe I’m not even currently holding the mouse. I don’t need to. I can hear if anyone gets close through my headphones.
They say, “Hey, there’s that door.” “Here’s that door,” I respond. Then they have to wait anywhere between two and twenty minutes before they get to play again.
PUBG is, and continues to be, an excellent game. They give you way too many good guns too fast now, though. The looting used to be worth something. You’re set thirty seconds after you land these days, which is quite odd. Still, excellent. Play it solo.
Oh, and put one of those new Public Enemy songs at the bottom, the one about the drums preferably.
A (lengthy) company meeting has determined that Bonus Action will keep running Ludology Now! as long as the scripts are delivered in a more sanitary (and less destructive) manner. However, Chris, if you are reading this, people from the European Space Agency keep calling and asking for you. Any idea why? They’ve called like five times this week. Are you in trouble? Do you need assistance? Please respond to your email, or phone.
Also, that new Public Enemy album is not available on streaming services. You have to buy it. Chris would probably like us to say everyone should go buy it, but it’s not really my kind of music. Anyway, I googled them and found this, seems popular:
