Image via Wizards of the Coast
Sitting in my office, directly next to my desk, is a bookshelf. Arranged on each shelf are dozens of Dungeons & Dragons sourcebooks, campaign notes, drawings, and character ideas. On the tallest shelf, mini-figures, dice boxes, and stickers are lovingly placed. Every single item is covered in months of dust.
I used to play D&D every other weekend and was building campaigns when we weren’t actively in session. Our party was very nearly through a four-year journey in Curse of Strahd when life derailed. Rescheduled sessions turned into cancellations, and then weeks turned into months as my partner and I desperately scrabbled against the cobblestone road of grief and misery that life seemed intent to drag us down.
Now, as the dust has started to settle, I find myself looking at the shelf as if the contents were put there by a stranger.
How do you pick up something so whimsical and indulgent, so completely consuming, after going through loss?
Grief Eats Creativity
For me, grief manifested like a black hole, consuming everything in its path. My desire to write, draw, and create was sucked up, leaving my hands empty and my heart raw.
Our losses came all at once. Over a year of painful and frightening financial hardship was end-capped by the terminal diagnosis of our young cat, Magnus. He was struck with FIP, and over the course of three months, we fought with everything we had to try and save him from a damned fate.
In this timeframe, we also lost two grandparents. Funerals and bad news stacked high as days grew shorter. My wife and I would sit in the darkness together, holding each other and watching the tiny life in our charge fading.
On my thirty-second birthday, our cat had a massive stroke. He died two days later. After three months of non-stop care, his abrupt exit from the world left me reeling.
His treatments, vet visits, and temperature checks had become my entire life. When I wasn’t keeping him alive, I was trying to maintain something like normalcy for my young son.
With Magnus gone, and funerals done, I found myself completely empty. A shell in which nothing at all could manifest.
Do I Remember How To Play?
I don’t mean rules here. Do I remember how to play – To set aside worldly fears and frustrations and dive into a story with people I love. Do I remember how to create worlds in my mind, or spin characters with backstories that impact a narrative?
The short answer is that I am not sure.
I’m not the person I was at our last D&D session. But I think that might be the beauty of stepping back into tabletop. I’m changed, but those new experiences will make my characters that much deeper, and the stories I write so much more thoughtful.
D&D is an intimidating game, as we bring so much of ourselves into the story. Our likes and dislikes, personal experiences, and our perception of events that have occurred color our time in any setting.
To start playing again, I need to look at the processes like I did when I first picked up a Player’s Handbook. I need to go slowly. I need to give myself time.
How Do You Start Playing D&D Again?
I think, especially when hardship is the reason for halting, the best way to get back into things is by picking up one-shots or short campaigns.
Don’t take on a huge project right away. Spend time playing in settings you haven’t tried before. Select stories that don’t stress you out or make you feel overwhelmed.
You could also purposefully seek out a party to play with, and not DM. Orchestrating a game is exhausting, and can be overwhelming if you have been out of the scene for a while.
I would also recommend not playing every week, and keeping it to one game, as you get back into the swing of things. This will allow you to really dive into a story, work on a character, and keep all the details straight.
Because D&D is so social, getting back into a campaign isn’t just about remembering combat rules or ability checks. It’s also about relearning how to be open with people, feeling secure in moments of vulnerability, and building confidence back up as you get into character.
I know my return to rolling dice and exploring the worlds of Dungeons & Dragons isn’t going to be easy. Despite the anxiety I have about letting myself have fun again, I know I want it. I want to dust off the books and roll out the maps. I want to step into a world with my friends where we can be anything.
My best advice to others going through this is just to try.
Don’t let fear hold you back, and enjoy the opportunity to connect with others when your heart likely needs it the most.
Getting Started With Something I’m Excited About
I’ve decided that a good place to jump back into things is with Quests From the Infinite Staircase. After its release in 2024, I found myself truly excited reading this sourcebook. It has everything needed to play short campaigns. It can even be done in a way that links all the quests together for a full story.
Even months after its release, I’ve continued to come back to Infinite Staircase and the unique cast of characters detailed in the sourcebook. The story has all the ingredients for a whimsical and exciting adventure.
If I were to make a character for this as a player, I’d probably try something new. I have a tendency to be a forever-Wizard, but I think it would be interesting to try out a Rogue or even a Fighter. A Rogue would fit particularly well in the universe of this story, and could potentially offer useful skills while trying to puzzle out the story.
I am definitely ready to try something new in Dungeons & Dragons, and to use fresh exploration to reignite my excitement for the game.
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