Roll7 must have been on some wild hallucinogen when they dreamt up a game about a rollerskating bloodbath. But ever since I dipped my toe into Rollerdrome in 2022, I’ve been hooked on that bizarre thrill.
Perhaps they were inspired by Anna Karina’s Roller Girl. Kara Hassan is, after all, the most dangerous girl in Rollerdrome‘s comic-styled skating arenas.
Or maybe an action shooter skating game was the logical next step for the studio after their vibrant, dare I say cozy, 2.5D skating game, OlliOlli.
In any case, I’m glad a game like Rollerdrome saw the light of day before Take-Two decided to spit Roll7 out of Private Division. I’d love to pretend I’m indifferent to Roll7’s demise, I can’t just “what a pity” my way out of this mess.
You Can Keep Your Ball Sports
See, roller skating and I go way back. Back to nine-year-old me, decked out in a figure skating dress that squeezed my belly, with gelled-back curls in a forehead-stretching updo.
Unfortunately, my roller skating days didn’t involve front flips and backflips to restock my ammo and take out snipers, rocket launcher wielders, and bat-wielding baddies. I was more about skating in circles and stretching my legs over different parts of my body while in motion. They called them tricks, I believe.
I dabbled in every sport imaginable before finally landing on skating. Swimming, soccer, basketball, even hip-hop dancing—I gave them all a shot. But come Tuesday, like clockwork, an hour before practice, you’d find me begging my mom to let me skip out on whatever sport she had signed me up for, all so I could cozy up at home with The Sims.
But then roller skating entered the scene. There was this inexplicable joy in putting in the effort to get those wheels spinning, building up momentum, and then coasting effortlessly. Spin me around, wheelies.
If you ask any professional figure skater, I’m sure they’ll tell you this perception is reductive and oversimplistic. That’s OK. They’re right.
Why I Ditched Figure Skating For The Sims 3
I spent over half a decade skating competitively, put up with the tight outfit and even tighter hairdos, and even managed to snag a couple of medals on the way. These things were absolutely trivial to me compared to the sheer ecstasy of throwing my arms out in a T-shape for balance and twirling around in circles.
The whole thing went south real quick when some wannabe karate master stomped on a wooden splinter we’d uncovered while skating, messed up his foot, and got our skating crew booted from the sports center.
This sports center had a one-size-fits-all policy for activities. Soccer? It’s out on the lush outdoor turf. Barefoot martial arts? Welcome to the splinter-ridden indoor wooden floor. Right after our skate crew left our mark on those probably ancient wooden planks, in comes the karate class. And of course, some unfortunate kid ends up barefoot and impaled on a sliver that one of us may or may not have unearthed. I won’t outright claim responsibility, but let’s just say, I might as well have been channeling my inner Tonya Harding.
Our skating crew got the boot from the sports center. Apparently, skating wasn’t deemed worthy of their hallowed arena, so our instructor packed up shop and found a new spot. I could’ve persisted with the roller rink, but the new skating venue was too far – my parents could no longer drive me there and public transport was inconvenient. The Sims 3 had just come out, so I just never skated again.
“Tony Hawk But With Rollerblades”
My skates, along with my illustrious collection of two whole medals, were packed away, probably still gathering dust in some dilapidated cardboard box tucked away in my family home’s dusty workshop.
Looking back, my interest in The Sims 3 didn’t hold a candle to the joy of skating. But the incident seared itself into my memory like a cattle brand and tinged my enjoyment of skates with a pinch of guilt.
Who cares? Some of us simply aren’t destined for athleticism. I just happened to fall into that category.
I didn’t think about rollerskating—or at least, I wasn’t willing to admit it—until Rollerdrome came out in 2022. When I picked up the game, I didn’t really think much of it. Tony Hawk on rollerblades sounded entertaining enough.
Mere minutes after I fired up the game, I was a Rollerdrome fiend, Pretzel Grabbing and doing The Mamba to get one more bullet so I could Slug Shot every House Player in the arena with surgical precision.
Most of the time, I’m playing games for the intricate plot, pushing past a couple of hours of gameplay to find out what happens next. But sometimes, all you crave is the sheer satisfaction of picking up your controller and immersing yourself in a game that just feels right. That, my friends, is Rollerdrome.
What Rollerdrome Gets Right About Rollerskating (And Humanity’s Future)
In Rollerdrome, Roll7 decided Suzanne Collins was wrong. The near dystopian future doesn’t revolve around some teenage-centric Hunger Games and Jenniffer Lawrence. Instead, in 2030, humanity’s latest obsession is watching roller skaters defy death in vibrant arenas. Survival isn’t the goal, it’s the baseline. The goal, instead, is to perform.
Kara Hassan, yet another silent protagonist who doesn’t fail to convey her coolness through gameplay, is here to put on a show: a violent dance where style is her ultimate weapon.
Need health? Well, you’ll have to earn it by taking out enemies. But if you want ammo, get ready to pull off some sick tricks like grinds and perfect dodges. It’s a bit like being a circus seal, except you’re flipping for bullets. Would this be a definition of figure skating that pros would be willing to favor?
But surviving the chaos isn’t just about brute force — it’s about finesse. Enemies become dance partners, and you’ll need to choreograph your moves carefully to rack up those high scores.
Sure, you could headshot that sniper and have one less enemy in the arena, but you’d miss the chance of Perfect Dodging his every bullet and increasing your ammo. It’s not about mindlessly mowing down foes; it’s about strategizing and mastering the rhythm of the game.
No skill trees, no unlockable abilities — just pure, unadulterated action. Kara Hassan is determined to conquer the sport. So, why wasn’t I?
Rollerdroming IRL (Minus the Competitive Murder)
The problem is I’m a chatterbox. When I’m into something, I just can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. I must have liked Rollerdrome a lot then because not long after I wrapped it up, my mom, who’s inching closer to her forties, bought two pairs of rollerblades and added a new permanent event to my calendar: Mom-Daughter Roller Sundays.
I eyebanged the not-so-coincidentally red-and-black pair with my eyes. Oh, so now I can rollerskate without having to put on a show like a circus seal for a quartet of dudes in their cheesy checkered jackets and tiny glasses? The thought felt downright pornographic.
Saying no was never a consideration, although saying yes meant confronting my emotions head-on instead of retreating into some parallel, make-believe video game world.
Quietly, with feigned stoic indifference, I said yes. I can picture myself turning on my back raising a closed fist, elbow down in celebration. I secretly relished the idea.
And there I was, over a decade after giving up roller skating, anxious to put them on once again. Memory, both photographic and muscle, kicked in and it was mere minutes before I strapped, tied, and locked the gear on my feet.
I stood up, T-posed like a broken character model for balance, swayed the right foot forward first, and then followed with the left one.
I’ve been roller skating ever since.
There was no adrenaline rush of doing tricks or shooting flying rockets in motion. There wasn’t an instructor to cheer me on like in my childhood, nor a list of tasks, perfect dodges, and score tabloids to keep track of. Just pure bliss.
I would also dare say both my mom and I benefited from this little arrangement. I rekindled my affection for those four-wheeled contraptions, while my mom, as graceful as yours truly, happened to stumble upon my now step-dad when she ate pavement in San Martín park.
To Roll7
Rollerblading isn’t a competitive sport to me—it’s my lifeline. When I want to escape from the world, I slip two tiny earbuds into my ears, lace up my size 36 rollerblades (that’s 5 for you, American lot), and glide out into the world. I am immense.
“Thank you” might not hold much weight for the 60 or so individuals facing layoffs next June. However, I hope the knowledge that you possess the power to create not just an award-winning, but a profoundly inspiring, passion-infused video game will resonate with you.
I’m sure one day, someone, hopefully, Roll7 reincarnated, will see the potential in a melee ice-skating murdering machine, slashing their enemies’ throats open with the edge of the skate’s metallic blade. But until then, je suis la roller girl.
For more awesome stories from the Bonus Action team, see what RPG Matt is backing on Kickstarter, and what Laura thinks of the MTG: Oracle Deck.
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